In my head this is what I look like. I look good don’t I? Not really a mental image of Edward Norton ala Fight Club, but that general state of put together, yet something is off, not that the world is actually paying attention to that off, just that sense that something is different about him or me…but it is far easier to ignore.
My head is constantly abuzz with thoughts and the chief one over the last five years, even during my off time, has been, “Have to do something there is something I have to do and I don’t care about it I just know that I have to do it and whatever it is I am not doing it right now and I should be doing it right now now that I have taken care of everything else that I rank before this something that I should be doing right now.” Perhaps, just perhaps, I really am as “different” or an “outlier” as people tell me I am. I have no idea because try as I might, I cannot read your minds and see if the mess of thoughts that is in mine is in yours…then again, I’m not sure that if I could read your minds I would want to hear another thought about coffee or pick up on what your something is as I have my own something.
And here I am again, at 2 am, unable to sleep because that above thought woke my ass up. That and some arm, hip, and leg pain which is unrelated to college or at least unrelated to college in a direct way only in that I injured them while I was attending college and that should no way impact my tale of college other than it is 2 am and I am up because there is something that I should be doing.
That constant nagging of something that needs to be done, eats away at you like acid. They don’t tell you that and maybe it only affects people like me who like to do things, who have goals, who hate having an unchecked box on their mental list of things to be done or who are sick and fucking tired of being reminded daily via a syllabus, email, text, friend, classmate, personal calendar or good memory that there is yet another thing to be done and it has be done in a specific manner and even though I don’t care about it, that something has an arbitrary value assigned to it thus giving that something a sense of value for 15 weeks…I loved each and every assignment for 15 weeks and then I discarded them like…the words dumpster, fire, and unwanted resonate loudly.
And you will find yourself up late at night with your rational brain and body screaming at you, “Get some fucking sleep you moron, this something in front of you is not really worth 100 points of anything other than another zombie day!” But you will do it. You will do it because that is what is expected of you and if you don’t do it you will fail and if you fail…what more can I say at that point. FAIL is an end point.
Thus, you and your brain will come to a compromise of constantly reminding you that there is something that needs to be done and yet, procrastination has never been sexier, because there is always one more day or with a little luck, a classroom of gullible people, and a professor who knows the routine and has a mischief streak a mile wide who will, after listening to the impassioned pleas for more time that you or I goad the class into making, graciously grant them more time, knowing full well that the deity of procrastination will once again seize their minds keeping them from doing that something until the last moment, because after all you and your brain came to an agreement while in college…there is always something that needs to be done and there is always another day to do that something…just one more fix of reminding you…
And maybe that is it, college assignments and the constant nature of there is something to do or be done is like a drug to your brain or my brain, and like a junkie I need one more fix, which is why at 2am I am writing this post even though for once in my life over the past five years the only something I need to do is fucking sleep and yet…here I am, don’t I look good?